White

White. The only discerning feature of his life was that things were white. The walls and the floors and the people, all white. Except for her. The blankness of everything made it hard to keep time, but occasionally he was taken to the room with a window. Through it was a stretch of grass and the open sky. He knew that one was green and the other blue, and would try to hold on to them, but the white made it difficult to remember colours. That was the room where he had his meetings, full of questions that didn’t seem important. How do you feel? What are you thinking about? They always asked about her. She would sit in the grass, trying to distract him. He didn’t tell them anything. If he told them that she was watching them they would have given him more medicine and whenever they did that she went away. Eventually she would make her way back. As children they would play hide and seek, she could find him no matter how far he ran or how well he hid.

Today was no different from any other day. He woke when the alarm they set for him went off, although he had no idea what time that was, and went about his usual daily duties. He went to the bathroom. Washed. Brushed his teeth. That part was especially exciting for him, the mint toothpaste was far more interesting than any of the food he ate, even if it was white like everything else. When he had first arrived they had done things like that for him. Apparently those kinds of objects were dangerous. Perhaps he was lucky enough to only have met friendly brushes before coming here, he had never had a problem with them. They said the same thing about shoelaces when he had asked if he would ever be allowed to wear proper shoes again, they clearly knew more about them than he did. The only reason he was allowed his own toothbrush at all was that he had been there for such a long time he could be trusted. The toothbrushes here must be very picky.

Next was breakfast. He stood at the door and waited for it to open. As always two of his helpers were waiting to take him to the cafeteria. Today it was a man and a woman. What was it that they were actually helping with? He could walk just fine on his own, but they always accompanied him whenever he had to go to another room. He didn’t mind it really, they didn’t ask him questions like they did in the window room. Actually, they never said anything.

He liked coming to the cafeteria. It was the only place that residents were allowed to see each other. The ones that ask the questions told him that eating together was important, but he still wasn’t allowed to eat with her. When he arrived his escort joined all the helpers stood in a ring around the room. They helped everyone eat by watching to make sure they did it properly he supposed. He always sat and ate with an old lady with white hair. He liked her because she maintained an active imagination, something he had found difficult since coming here. Every morning she explained what the angels had told her the night before. Even they wore white. Maybe it was the building itself that made things white, magically changing the colour of everything inside it. Once she found her way in he’d know for sure. Recently her dress had matched what he saw through the window, whatever colour that was. If she managed to get in and she was wearing white then it must be the building. She had always hated white.

Once he’d finished eating he took his tray to a hole in the wall and his two helpers would come and help him find the way back to his room. That was what they helped with, finding where to go. In all the time he’d spent walking back and forth he still couldn’t tell one hallway apart from the next, so he just let his helpers lead him from his room to the cafeteria and back again. How clever of them to know that he couldn’t find them on his own. The helpers must have very good memories to know all the turns to take and doors to open when they all look the same. All they would need to do is paint the walls different colours and he could make it without anyone else, then the helpers could help people that need it more, like the old lady. But then, if it is magic, painting the walls wouldn’t make any difference.

The helpers stopped and the woman opened a door for him. It was the window room. They helped him to his chair, that part he could have managed, across from a man that would start asking questions once the helpers left and the door closed behind them. She wasn’t out there today, strange. The colours were the same though, green and blue. He ignored the man across from him and watched through the window, waiting for her to arrive. She would, she always did. The grass was what he focused on, it’s where she would come to sit. A bird landed as he watched, its back the same blue as the sky it flew through. It must be nice to be a bird, being able to fly away to a new place when the one you’re in gets boring. It hopped in a circle until it was facing him. Yellow! On its chest was a group of yellow feathers that stood out against the rest. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen that colour, he’d forgotten about the ones that aren’t blue or green. The man hadn’t asked anything yet, he just kept writing things. Oh well, he just had to keep watching the bird and remember what that yellow looks like, hold onto it. It would fly away eventually.

He’s calm. Not resisting like the last one. Likes the window. He doesn’t realise he’s pulling a face. Must be  concentrating very hard, looking for something? Her? He doesn’t like to talk about her. She’s important to him. I wouldn’t want to talk about my girls though. They found Alex’s daughter after he brought her up with a patient. Poor thing.  This one seems harmless enough at the moment though. Best keep detached, just in case. Happy now, what’s out there? Is that all? Possible line of questioning, may as well try it.

The man stopped writing. He was watching him. Did he know that he was looking for her?

‘Do you like birds?’ He must have seen him staring, that’s alright then, as long as they don’t know that she likes to sit out there too.

‘I like the colours, this is the only time I get to see any.’ That should keep him distracted, no reason to bring her up now. He had already started writing again. He looked back to the window, the bird was gone. He had another colour to remember now though, so it wasn’t all bad.

‘I know what you mean, it’s very bland in here. Do you prefer it when things are colourful?’ The man was looking at him, waiting. What did that have to do with anything? Are the colours important for something?

‘It’s difficult to remember what other colours are like when there’s only ever one.’ Something moved in the grass. Finally, there she is. Her dress was the same yellow as the bird, what a funny coincidence. He couldn’t help but smile at her, of course she waved back.

The patient is preoccupied with the window, he must be seeing her out there, we’ll need to up his dosage again. How do I keep him talking? He seems open to the colours, ask his favourite maybe? He’ll probably say green, he can see it. How boring. Red is predictable too I guess, at least it’s fun. Little red dress and all that. Tonight’s going to be great. Keeping the surprise was a nightmare though, can’t believe she just asked, almost ruined it. That could work, asking her directly instead. He never wants to answer anything about her because he won’t go behind her back. Treat him like a child, she’s his imaginary friend. The exact opposite of what we’re meant to do but oh well. Might as well use her while she’s here.

‘Is your friend out there?’ He turned to look at the man, how could he tell? He was always so careful not to give anything away. ‘I’ll take that as a yes. Would it be alright if I spoke to her?’ No one had ever wanted to talk to her before. He looked back to her, mouth flapping. She nodded, understanding what he’d asked, she seemed excited.

‘Yeah, that’s fine.’ She was gone from the window now. ‘Could you just let her in?’

‘How do I do that?’

‘She knows the way, you just need to open the door.’ The man gave a confused expression, but did as he was asked. He pushed a buzzer on the desk, and one of the helpers entered, opening the door for her. In she came, exactly as he remembered her, yellow dress intact. It had been so long since he was able to see her properly he was scared he would forget her, like one of the colours. She sat next to him, he must have overlooked the other chair with how focussed he’d been on the window. Maybe they’d let her stay once this was over, if he answered everything how they wanted.

‘So, your friend there, you seemed excited to see her, has it been a while?’

Of course it had, how was she meant to get in if they never let her? She didn’t like to see him when he took too much of the medicine they gave him either. ‘Yes it has.’

‘And is she excited to be able to see you too?’

She didn’t want to answer the man directly, she didn’t know him. He would have to answer for her. ‘Yes, but she’s nervous because you’re here.’

‘So how has she been able to see you while you’ve been with us?’

There it was, they want to make sure she can’t get in on her own. Then he’d just tell them the truth, if they think she’s harmless they’ll let her stay. He nodded to the window.

‘She waits for you out there.’

The patient has built restrictions around his hallucination in order to maintain the reality surrounding it. I had to open the door for her. Could be the reason he’s been so docile while under our care, in his mind she couldn’t get in ‘cause we wouldn’t let her. He speaks for her too, subconsciously he knows I wouldn’t hear it. He really is like a child. Should I be scared? I feel sorry for him. Remember what he's here for, sorry is the last thing I should be. Don’t get familiar. There’s a reason we need to up the dosage. If he justifies a reason for her to stay, he'll try something sooner or later. This could be a bad idea. Inviting the vampire inside.

‘The things you did that led to you moving here, did she encourage them?’

How should he respond? He didn’t want to answer wrong. The man is expecting something. He looked to her for guidance, maybe she should answer herself.